Suppressing Potential: How School Budget Cuts Delay a Cure for Disease
The title of this post may sound odd to some, but the premise is absolutely accurate. When decisions are made to cut funding for schools or to hijack funds allocated for education funding for non-educational initiatives or to deny education funding, but approve the creation of a youth detention facility which costs more than the school funding, then human capital is lost. All of these financial decisions were made by Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan in May of this year … in the wake of Baltimore City’s unrest after the death of Freddie Gray while in the custody of police. I lament my time away from Maryland on a nearly daily basis, but no day more than the day I learned of Gov. Hogan’s intention to open a youth detention facility priced at $30 million dollars, but won’t use $11 million dollars already approved for Baltimore City public schools to shore up schools in dire need of resources.
Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan
You can’t make this stuff up …
According to The Huffington Post, “Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan (R) announced Thursday that he will not be releasing $68 million allocated by the state legislature for education, of which $11.6 million would have gone to Baltimore’s public schools. Instead, he’ll be using the money to boost the state’s pension fund, he said.”
Maryland State Flag
I am a native of Maryland, was educated in Montgomery County (one of the wealthiest counties in the country whose funding is NEVER in question), earned two degrees at my alma mater Morgan State University in Baltimore, and worked for several years in a city-wide magnet school a stone’s throw from the scene of the most violent protests after Freddie Gray’s death. I am all too familiar with the disparities in educational funding and opportunities for the child residents of Baltimore City (in particular) and the Governor’s refusal to act on their behalf by releasing ALREADY APPROVED FUNDING is not only heartless, but a very poor investment decision.
When these – and other under-resourced schools in poor, urban communities – are subject to this type of political narrow-mindedness, the potential doctors & politicians who could be roaming the hallowed halls of these schools, who could have found the cure for life-threatening diseases, who could have brought us the next scientific advancement, who could have ushered in peace between troubled nations are left to atrophy for lack of investment in their educational futures. When we decide – and be clear that this is an intentional decision to NOT act on behalf of these children – that using available resources to educate students is “absolutely irresponsible,” we are dooming society to a lack of innovation and intellect to which Gov. Hogan desperately needs access.
West Side of Baltimore City
Again, in many areas of Maryland (and around the country), these are conversations that will never happen in the same way. While schools in wealthier areas may still see cuts, they will certainly not see them in ways that threaten the educational opportunities of the children in those school districts. Any cuts to schools from a wealthier voting block will not place those children in a position to subsist in relative deprivation.
Aside from how deplorable Gov. Hogan’s position on this subject happens to be it is made that much more horrendous because it is a choice he is making that maintains this country’s love affair with condemning some as “unworthy” of access and equity in resources … and those faces are always poor and almost always Black and brown. Certainly no good thing could ever come from that lot, right? Better to lock them up in “juvie” and wait for that inevitable day when their status offenses turn to felony cases and get transferred up to adult court.
The takeaway is this … we invest our time, talent, and finances in those things which we believe to be important and valuable. There are real problems that our world needs solved – medical maladies, terrorism, climate change, global hunger – and there are children in Baltimore City who are every bit as capable as my classmates in Montgomery County who could find the solution to those problems but for want of excellent teachers, state-of-the-art facilities, and quality resources. This deprivation is not simply felt by the children and their families who lack the economic capital to move Gov. Hogan and others of his ilk to action on their behalf, but by everyone who will never benefit from the genius that those children could bring to the world. I guess Gov. Hogan simply doesn’t believe these problems nor the children of Baltimore City who could help solve them are terribly valuable.
Starting over or beginning again: Why words matter
There really is power in words. I’m a therapist and a professor so I’m supposed to say that, but it happens to be quite true. Haven’t you ever heard the expression “say what you mean and mean what you say” or “choose your words carefully” before? It’s because words matter – what you say and how you choose to say it conveys messages and has meaning. If words didn’t matter then we wouldn’t need a thesaurus to find just the right way to say something.
The notion of how much words matter resonates with me on many levels. As a clinician my words mattered to families who may lose their children, people who may lose their freedom, students who may gain access or be denied entry into particular spaces based on which words I chose to say. As a mother my words can either help my son flourish, be proud of himself, be nice to others, and work hard or they can condemn and hurt. Words matter – choose them wisely.
Recently I had to confront two words that were causing me a great deal of disquiet: starting over. The innate messages one hears inside of themselves at the utterance of “starting over” are related to loss, failure, lack of control. Starting over absolutely means that you were doing a thing, you were getting somewhere, you were making progress toward a particular end … and then something happened, forced it all to come crashing down, and now you have to start over. So often starting over is associated with some external incident or entity sauntering into our lives and disrupting our flow without our consent and frequently without warning. Whatever or whomever it is that made whatever change it was that ended our progress has now forced us into a space where we’re left to start over.
We’ve all started over on soooo many things – diets, relationships, school, church attendance, exercise. I could do this all day, but you’re nodding to one of those because when we stop (or are stopped) in one of these areas in particular, we engage in tremendous self-loathing and swim needlessly through the deep waters of shame, failure, embarrassment, and hopelessness.
But what if it wasn’t about “starting over?”
What if what we’re really doing is “beginning again?”
I don’t see these as merely semantic differences, but rather as points of view that offer decidedly different orientations. Just the idea of starting over suggests the end of something and ushers in such condemnation and hurt that it can stop us from trying to begin again.
- We patently refuse to date again thinking about how much time we “wasted” in that relationship – but it wouldn’t have been wasted had it ended with “happily ever after,” right? So, date again!
- We eschew the virtues of healthy eating and exercise after not being in the gym for two weeks vowing to love our curves instead of counting our calories – but you loved the curves in your arms and legs where the muscles were building, right? So, work out again! Eat healthy again!
- We are determined that we don’t need to be in church every Sunday after we’ve been gone for months declaring that it says in the Word that where ever two or more are gathered – but God hasn’t stopped blessing you in all those months, right? Go to church again!
You see where I’m going with this, right?
Certainly I don’t mean this as condemnation for stopping what was started. We’ve done enough of that to ourselves. My intention is to change the notion of starting over into beginning again because THAT language is filled with affirmation that we’ve been able to do something once which means we can do it again. It is filled with POTENTIAL!
I began once, I was making strides, I was derailed, I will begin again!
Lest you read this and think “it’s easier said than done, lady” let me say that I get it. In many ways starting something is easier than starting over. When you start you have resolve and motivation and you are far more goal-driven by whatever your starting than you have been in the past. That’s great!
But when you begin again you’re declaring to yourself and the world that you have that same resolve, same motivation, and same goal. You’re not resigned to having to do it all over again. You’ve decided that you want to finish what you started.
There is so much power and positivity in making a decision to being again as you began once before!
To begin again means you can forgo the self-loathing and feelings of failure about having stopped. It means giving yourself permission to be human and to have moments when the routine is disrupted or the motivation wanes or the person leaves and you have to stop. It means that you engage not in self-condemnation, but in self-reflection asking yourself how you got here, what you learned, and discovering what you need to do differently next time so you don’t run the risk of stopping again.
Starting over is fraught with “going back” and “doing over” neither of which is possible nor desirable. To begin again means you’re continuing your journey having grown wiser, stronger, and even more resolved than before that you’re going to accomplish whatever goals you’ve set for yourself! You cannot be stopped!!
So today … begin again that “thing” that you were doing – that made you happy, productive, sexy, powerful. Choose to see your present state as one rife with the possibility of all that is ahead. You are not simply starting over, you are choosing to begin what you already started again!!
The myth of “Magical Jan. 1st”
I’m just gonna say this … there really is nothing magical or special about January 1st.
Every bit of greatness you are resolving to have in 2014 existed in 2013. Every bit of apathy and self-doubt that kept you from it last year will keep you from it this year. The only thing that can change your outcome is your mindset that nothing will keep you from your outcome. I get that the beginning of a new year can make one pensive and motivated to make changes … but so can the beginning of a new day and you get 365 of those, but only ONE new year.
This year, save the ink you’ll use to pen your resolutions and write your goals into your daily planner. Make your success a product of your effort and planning. Be intentional about what you want to accomplish and change your mindset to ensure your success. Because the ball will drop and the confetti will get swept away and the new year will be here …
and then what?
Not Guilty … neither innocent
I intentionally did not watch most of the Zimmerman trial coverage in real time choosing instead to watch the “highlights” through the lens of the legal, political and cultural analysis on MSNBC and CNN. Every so often I would tune in, but the case seemed so cut and dry to me. George Zimmerman murdered 17 year old Trayvon Martin in cold blood because he believed that Trayvon was “suspicious” by virtue of being a Black male AND because Zimmerman had unfulfilled dreams of being a police officer. He was a vigilante and a bigot – anyone familiar with the case would know this. All of the bloody nose pictures were of no true consequence because, if for no other reason, anyone confronted by a stalker would attempt to defend themselves and if a bloody nose resulted … oh well. Trayvon was doing nothing wrong, he was not armed, he was not a threat. George Zimmerman directly discounted all of his alleged Neighborhood Watch training which specifically states that you are to call the police and do nothing more, he ignored the 911 operator’s direction not to follow Trayvon, and he took his gun with him when he decided to do all of this which absolutely means that George Zimmerman intended – or anticipated – an altercation where he was determined to be the victor.
Last night I was watching CNN and listening to the panelists speculate in a million different ways about what various jury actions could/would mean when out of the blue I hear that the verdict is in. Immediately I began texting people, updating my Facebook status all with my heart racing. This was it!
Not five minutes prior I tucked my beautiful six year old son into bed for the night kissing him and telling him I loved him as I do every night. I told him I was proud of how well he’d done earlier in the day when we went to play tennis for the first time. He asked me if I remembered a particular scene from the movie we’d just seen together and we laughed at how silly it was.
As I waited for the verdict I started a status update that said “George Zimmerman was found …” hoping to write “guilty of 2nd-degree murder” or “manslaughter.” I thought about Trayvon’s parents in that moment. How they would never kiss him goodnight again, never post pictures of him to their friends again, never admonish him for not cleaning his room again, never experience a joyful moment with him again. I knew that this verdict was going to be “guilty” and I thought, “well, at least they’ll have justice.”
My friends all think I’m crazy because I still believe in justice and fairness despite this country’s history to the contrary especially for African-Americans. Well, I USED to believe … until last night.
“We find the defendant, George Zimmerman, not guilty…”
It literally hurt my ears to hear that. I quickly finished the status update and posted it … and I began to sob. I must have cried for 20 minutes. I couldn’t take my eyes off the screen – surely there was more. Not guilty of the murder charge, but guilty of manslaughter, right? I mean, he DID it! He LIED about it! He has a HISTORY!
Facebook went crazy and finally I had to remove myself and turn the channel because I was in such pain. Not only did I hurt for Trayvon and his parents, family members and friends, but I had to start thinking about my son. Every African-American parent – especially those of us with sons – knows that, at some point, we need to have a conversation with our children about how ugly the world can really be when you look like we do. There is no definitive date upon which those conversations begin, no age deemed more or less appropriate, but I certainly never thought I would need to start seriously thinking about it when he was only six years old. I am the daughter of law enforcement officers who taught me that there was fairness and justice in the world. My father used to tell me “if you didn’t do anything wrong you don’t have anything to worry about” when we talked about being pulled over by the police and I believed that! I have said the same thing to countless young, Black men I worked with over the years.
Yet here I was, crying in my bed, because I had to finally admit what I intrinsically knew to be true, but was hoping I could deny a little while longer. Black parents cannot protect our children and keep them safe in a society that does not value them. Especially our sons.
This is the moment where Zimmerman’s brother would start his rant from last night about how Black kids kill each other everyday in Chicago and nobody ever goes to jail for that as if this makes his murderous brother somehow less horrible than he is. As if the murderers in Chicago are somehow sanctioned by the broader Black community and those senseless deaths don’t “count.” Those of us who care about the tragedy of Trayvon’s murder are equally as concerned about the murder of the children in Chicago and other inner-city neighborhoods. The loss of those lives are equally as senseless and those with blood on their hands are equally as lecherous as George Zimmerman. But we know George Zimmerman did this, lied about it and is home today like nothing ever happened … feeling justified in what he did by believing it was “God’s will.” We’ll get into which God he’s praying to that justifies killing someone for absolutely no reason in a future post, perhaps, but what Zimmerman’s brother is missing is how Trayvon never had a chance for justice in this case because George Zimmerman killed a Black boy.
Period.
It took six weeks of outrage across the country for Zimmerman to even be arrested! Had society remained silent, there would have been no trial, but either way there was no hope for a conviction. Black children have been murdered in this country at the hands of white people for years and faced no justice at all. This case brings the country back to “the four little girls” and Emmett Till in ways that are deeply painful in a system that remains unchanged.
Incidentally, how is it “self-defense” when George Zimmerman hunts down this Black boy with his firearm against the orders of the police and the “training” of his Neighborhood Watch then shoots and kills Trayvon? How is that self-defense? How ISN’T it self-defense when Trayvon hits George Zimmerman in the face as he is being hunted and confronted for no reason at all??
Black parents are always concerned about their children’s life and safety for usual “parent worry” reasons – they’ll drive too fast, they’ll use drugs, they’ll get into fights, etc., but we have those added concerns that are based solely on race … and for those of us with sons … gender. I was so excited to learn that I was having a boy when I was pregnant! I really wanted a son!! Now, however, the blinders I was wearing, that were already porous and allowing bits of the truth to seep through, have to come off. I have to be realistic about the fact that I could lose my son one day at the hands of some petty bigot for reasons that he cannot control – because he is a Black male. None of the privilege that he enjoys at home will keep him safe in the street if a lunatic decides that he’s guilty of being alive.
Even when we try to protect our children at home, as in the case of Marissa Alexander of Florida, our efforts can have devastating consequences for us and our families.
This post is about sorrow. That’s the best way I can explain it. I cannot imagine what Trayvon’s mother and father are feeling right now – perhaps it feels like they’ve lost their son all over again – but I imagine at the very least they feel sorrow. As do I having to consider that I may only have my son for 11 more years because George Zimmerman and others like him are still safely prowling the streets – safe in the knowledge that their racial privilege and America’s hatred for Black boys and men will allow them to go home to their families after destroying someone else’s.
George Zimmerman may have been found “not guilty” by his predominantly white jury, but he is certainly not innocent.
That B#*!% On the Treadmill! Be her!
I’ve come to love the gym in recent weeks, but this has not always been the case. The difference? A friend of mine – a gentleman in wonderful physical condition who absolutely knows his way around the weight room – helped me figure out how to actually USE the gym to accomplish my goals. I understand muscle groups and the ways in which machines and free weights (my new passion!) can be tools for good instead of the evil death machines they look like.
Until him, however, I simply went in the gym, hopped on the treadmill and then paid lip service to the various machines others were using. “What is THAT? That looks heavy.” As a former high school and college athlete I didn’t need to KNOW anything about the gym except its location. My coaches told me what to do, I did it, and I never asked why. I figured they must know what’s best so I left the fancy kinesiology stuff to them.
But the treadmill I understood – I “got” that. It was cardio, plain and simple. What’s not to understand? In my youth I could get plenty o’ cardio just by walking a flight of stairs what with my beloved metabolism firing on all cylinders. Age, career, and motherhood having conspired against me over the years, however, made such easy fat burning a thing of the past. But the treadmill would get me back on track! And so it was – I could walk at some insane incline for about 15 minutes or so, break a sweat, and claim I did the damned thing. Until I saw … her. That b#*!% on the treadmill.
I hate her.
She’s all bouncy-ponytail and cool yoga pants and that iPod holder thing on her forearm. She runs – at what appears to be cheetahesque speeds – for DAYS and never breaks a sweat. When she actually DOES break a sweat she still looks cool and focused. I really hate that b#*!%.
She could be 35 treadmill machines away from me, but I’d still manage to see her and although I’d try to focus on my own “workout,” I knew she was there … mocking me … “hey, chunkster. yeah … that 200 incline walking thing you’re doing … yeah that isn’t gonna work.” Realistically I knew all of this was in my mind, but my mind kept winning the day and her very presence was enough to make me walk … OFF the treadmill and INTO the locker room under the guise of needing to be somewhere OTHER than the gym immediately. No time to finish what was about to be one heck of an exercise program, mind you; far too busy making deals and changing the world.
She was soooo intimidating.
Then I’d get mad at myself for being intimidated by someone who I KNEW wasn’t paying any attention to me. (UGH – I freakin’ HATE HER!!) But this happens.
This is real.
This year I’ve had many students tell me I’m intimidating to which I always respond that to be intimidatING is an active state indicating an intentional act, on my part, of making someone feel uneasy or frightened or unsure of themselves. I’d add that they might be intimidatED, but that I was not intimidatING because I wasn’t doing anything to bring about that state. It was something that was happening on the inside that they needed to identify and process. What do you want? I’m a therapist teaching future therapists! It’s what we do – we process!
And that was step one in not letting the b#*!% on the treadmill beat me anymore. I had to figure out that she wasn’t really DOING anything at all! She was at the gym, doing her thing, and I was not a concern for her. This was all in my own mind and although I KNEW that on an emotional level, I had to process it intellectually and figure out why her ascribed awesomeness made me nervous, jealous … intimidated.
If you’ve ever been “in shape” then lost the more fit version of yourself on a crowded street never to be seen again by your currently-unhealthy self, you may feel this way because you’re ashamed of how far away you are from the “her” you used to be. You cannot BELIEVE you let yourself get here and it feels almost impossible to get back to that. “I was younger, had a faster metabolism, a less frenetic schedule …” is a common refrain.
If you’ve NEVER been “in shape” then this is likely harder still. You can’t imagine that you could ever look/feel that way because you never have. “Some women just aren’t built that way” or some version of that. You may dislike yourself a great deal, but you try to hide those emotions with all manner of rationalization.
In either instance, the b#*!% on the treadmill can be a devastating blow. “I used to be able to do that” or “I’ll never be able to do that” run through your mind faster than she runs on the machine.
It feels hopeless.
But one day at the gym … I stopped caring about “her” … the b#*!% on the treadmill. Mind you, she was only ever a b#*!% because I hated that I WASN’T her – breezing down some imaginary road, crossing some imaginary finish line. But one day I just stopped caring about her and what she was doing and decided to focus on being my best self. I wasn’t there as a spectator, but as a participant in the process of getting my health and fitness back in line. I couldn’t do that AND watch her. I couldn’t do that AND self-flagellate en route back to the locker room. Once I did that I started taking my time in the gym more seriously.
After awhile my friend joined me in the gym and showed me how to make the most of the experience. My warm up was to run on the treadmill beside his until he stopped which was at the one-mile mark. I was at around .64 when he reached his mile and I wasn’t really struggling when I got there so I decided that next time I would go until I reached a mile. When I did that I was THRILLED! I was barely sweating! Could I do two miles??
This past week I decided to do it – go for the two miles … and I did it! Headphones on, iPod in the forearm holder thingy, in the zone, smiling a bit when I crossed the 1.5 marker. I started sweating, but I wasn’t dying and I knew I was going to make it. Two days later I went further – 2.38! This week I’m running a treadmill 5K all by myself (that’s three miles!!) and I’m excited to get to my OWN finish line!
But here is what happened … this is the bigger point … once I stopped worrying about what “she” was doing and focused on what I WAS doing, I became the b#*!% on the treadmill. I became the ponytail, the iPod, the cool chick running effortlessly. Likely nobody was paying any attention to me at all, but I became aware that I could be for someone else that b#*!% on the treadmill and it was the weirdest realization ever … because I got sad.
I didn’t want anyone looking at me and thinking that they couldn’t do what I was doing. I wanted to wear a sign on my back that said, “I started off soooooo slowly, but I got here and so can you!” Perhaps that’s just some bizarre process that I was going through, but I know that I used to BE “her” and now all I wanted was to let any other “hers” know that she is right there … on the verge of her own breakthrough … if she would just focus on becoming HER best self and not focusing on anyone else.
What is this week’s point, you ask?
That you don’t need to compare yourself to anyone else. As long as you’re doing more, getting stronger, being better than you were yesterday, you’re winning! And that while you might be tempted to think that the b#!*% on the treadmill is silently mocking you through her earbuds as you head back into the locker room (… or maybe that was just me!), know that she might really be cheering you on from 35 treadmills away because you’re THERE and you’re DOING it!
Be Positive for a CHANGE
I promised to post every Sunday regarding some aspect of helping women in general – and African-American women, in particular – get healthy. This topic is far too important to devote only cursory attention to it so I intend to bring attention to it in ways that can be productive and empowering. This is one way that I believe I can achieve that goal.
The previous post was focused quite specifically on (re)claiming our physical health, but the first two steps toward that end centered on the psyche. Finding out why we are unhealthy and devising a plan of action to address that can be the most critical first steps in getting to a healthy place. As a clinical social worker it really should not be a surprise that I think mental health and physical health are related, but it really is true and it is a truth that seems to escape far too many people. In order to get physically healthy, some people need to address issues related to mental health – deep, personal, sometimes scary issues and my practice experience has cemented for me that a lack of self-worth is at the root of most people’s inability to become their best self.
It can be really difficult to devote the time, energy and resources to yourself that are necessary for achieving your goals when you believe that you aren’t really good enough to warrant that type of investment. That lack of self-worth is insidious and powerful – it can be so limiting as to prevent us from taking any action at all. We never even have the opportunity to fail because we’re paralyzed by our feelings of inferiority. We wonder to ourselves what others will say and there are times when we’re right that others may say a thing.
Who does she think she is?
She thinks she’s cute!
She thinks she’s better than everybody else!
We know those things aren’t true – we don’t really believe that about ourselves – but our lack of self-worth defeats us before we give ourselves a chance to be the subject of others’ admonishments. We admonish ourselves on their behalf and thwart our opportunity to be the amazing women we were destined to be.
And let me be clear that you really can be amazing! When some women hear that it evokes a response that usually involves some version of “come on, man. Be serious.” In their minds I can hear them saying, “who am I to be AMAZING! I’m no _______” (insert name of woman to whom they are comparing themselves). A lack of self-worth can make you believe about yourself that you’re not worth believing in at all. You don’t DESERVE to be considered amazing because you haven’t DONE anything. You didn’t achieve world peace, you haven’t cured one disease yet, and the dishes in the sink have been there so long that you’re thinking about throwing them out and just buying new ones.
But that doesn’t make you amazing. You’re amazing because of how excellent you are at so many things for which you never give yourself any credit. You remember everyone’s birthday and make sure to send them a card for their special day. You volunteer at the local homeless shelter every week. You helped someone move or paint which I regard as the HIGHEST form of friendship! You listen to your girlfriend cry about that man that you wish she’d leave for good, but you never say that because you know that what she needs right now is your unconditional support and a patient ear. You scored a huge account at work, you salvaged a huge account at work, you did something huge at work … whatever! You’re amazing because why NOT be amazing??
You have it in you to achieve every single goal that you have secretly set for yourself – the one where you’re on the cover of Time magazine because you did some awesome thing; the one where you’re invited to the White House’s state dinner as the guest of honor; the one where you get a promotion at work; the one where you feel good when you walk out the house because you didn’t have to squeeze into a Spanx in order to zip the skirt. All that holds you back from achieving your goals is your belief that you are not good enough to achieve them.
But recognize that a belief that you’re not good enough is a still a belief. You believe it and you actively work at making that belief a reality in your life! You believe you can’t be healthy, you can’t be thinner, you can’t be strong so you eat the candy bar and the pizza and the chocolate cake and VOILA! You’ve made that belief a reality!!
So why won’t you do the same thing with a focus on what you CAN achieve? If you tell yourself that you CAN be healthy and strong, then you operationalize that belief by going to the gym and making better food choices … VOILA!!! You control the narrative of your life. Remember earlier when you were concerned about what the naysayers would think if you tried to make your dreams come true? How often have you actually HEARD the naysayers?
Well … never. I just know that someone will say it.
Then YOU are your OWN naysayer. Nobody outside of you is stopping you from doing anything. This is all in your mind – the psyche. This isn’t about what someone else is going to think/say, this is what YOU are saying about YOU and you are externalizing your lack of progress to ghosts floating around in your own mind.
I hear them all the time. Every time I start working toward my goal they start telling me I can’t do it.
But in order for someone to tell you that your efforts are in vain, you have to actually MAKE EFFORTS! While you are busy making the effort to accomplish your goals, people on the sidelines are trying to distract you. They’re not doing anything to make THEIR dreams come true, they’re watching you work toward your goals and talking about you. Why would you give people who have limited themselves the power to limit you, too?? Why let people who don’t take enough of an active role in their OWN lives keep you from disengaging from YOURS? If they are content, however, to spend their days observing you, give them something to see!
You are valuable and smart and compassionate and talented – you have something to offer the world and everyone is missing out on it because you don’t believe it about yourself. This week, try to find the value that you have, the talents and gifts that you have, and start asserting them to yourself. This is where that “corny clinical stuff” comes in, but we encourage these things because they matter and they work. Starting right now, work toward understanding that you’re worth every dream you have coming true.
Here are some ways you can make that happen!
- Make a list of positive words that define you. They don’t have to be fancy and the list doesn’t have to be long, but just indulge yourself in the good things that you know about yourself. Are you considerate, polite, funny, adventurous, contemplative, affectionate, romantic, curious? This list is for you so don’t worry about what “others” would say if they saw it … truthfully, the naysayers likely know it’s all true and they’re externalizing their OWN pain by trying to reduce your level of awesomeness.
- Make a vision board. I love these things!!! There are ways to do it electronically, but I’m rather old-school with mine. Good old fashioned cork boards and pushpins with a stack of magazines and a sharp pair of scissors is the way to go. Find images or words/phrases that move you, inspire you, reflect your future self then cut them out and place them on your board. When you’re done, hang your board where you can see it everyday. Then …
- LIVE your vision board everyday! In the morning, ask yourself what ONE thing you can do to bring your vision to fruition today. In the evening, reflect back on what you did that got you ONE step closer to realizing your dreams. To be a thing you gotta see a thing and when we keep our goals and dreams out of sight, we also take them out of our daily lived experiences. We move through life on autopilot enduring a mundane existence because we literally cannot see what we’re working toward. Put your vision in front of you everyday.
- Post affirmations of your awesomeness! On the bathroom mirror you can put a sticky note that says “I ROCK!” On the fridge you can post a note that says “nothing in here is so delicious that it is worth feeling bad about myself later.” On your office door you can post one of my FAVES: “What you will do matters. All you need is to do it.” That’s by Judy Grahn, by the way. Focus your POSITIVE energy for a change. Literally. Focus your positive energy for a CHANGE to happen in your life!
Once you start to believe that you are WORTHY of self-love, self-confidence, and self-actualization IN THE POSITIVE (because you’re living it daily in the negative right now), you’ll start to step into a mentally healthy space … from there it is a quick jaunt to becoming physically healthy and strong because you need that in order to make your dreams come true.
Have a magnificent week!!!!
You’re Not Big-Boned
I know I won’t be popular for this, but I’m not a 13 year old girl who frets over whether the “cool kids” will like me so that is of no true consequence. My goal with this post is to motivate, to inspire … and to speak truth the power that is within each of you. It is time to get healthy and that means it’s time to lose some weight. As an African-American woman I have heard my fellow sistah girls use every excuse in the book – from not wanting to mess up our hair (which the U.S. Surgeon General and the Huffington Post have discussed) to the claim that our bones are “bigger” (read: fatter) than other people’s bones (which is NOT true) to the delusional belief that men actually prefer fat women (not in that fetish sort of way, but in that “I don’t need to exercise” sort of way) to our southern upbringing with the delicious fatty foods that we NEED to eat every night (you don’t really need a stick of butter in EVERYTHING you eat) …
You know, even if those were viable excuses, they would still be excuses and they would still keep us from taking care of our health. Getting in shape is not simply an issue of vanity, but a literal issue of life and death. Obesity can actually kill you … too many french fries and not enough stomach crunches can kill you … too many scoops and not enough squats can kill you. African-Americans are over-represented in nearly every preventable life-threatening health category there is from heart disease to high blood pressure to diabetes and more. Each of these issues come with horrible side effects including blindness, loss of limbs … and death!!
I’m being morbid, right? But I’m trying to get women in general and Black women in particular to understand that our health is robbing us of so many things: joy, inner peace, health, and years of life. And to what end?? A cute ‘do is not going to mask that muffin top … the one you’re eating AND the one you’re wearing.
It is time for us to get serious about being healthy and stop making excuses that are going to end with devastating consequences.
This is not an easy journey, but easy is what got you fat. What??? It is, right?? This is not a post meant to shame, but to illuminate. It seems like everywhere I turn I see African-American women who are incredibly overweight and there is no way in the world that she is not hurting on the inside. I need to lose 25-30 pounds myself and it is demoralizing for me sometimes, too, so I KNOW my sistahs out there who are in greater need of serious weight loss feel just as bad. And even if you’re walking around thinking that you’re “thick and sexy,” understand that insulin shots aren’t cute. Neither is that hoveround thing you have to ride at 7 mph because you can’t walk since your knees have stopped trying to carry your frame.
This is a plea. This is me SCREAMING at you to reclaim your temple and start getting serious about your health – not for your kids, not for your family, but for yourself. Black women have a habit of doing things for other people even while neglecting themselves. That’s an admirable trait and one that has sustained many families and communities over the years, but this is really about YOU right now. If you die at 45 because your heart gave out, your family and friends will mourn the loss … then find a way to keep going. Nobody is going to stop living WITH you. The world is not going to stop spinning WITHOUT you. As valuable and loved as you are, YOU are the only one who will suffer in the end if you let your health take away your happiness, your mobility, or your life.
In order to get on the road to health and fitness, you need to do a few things…
- Start moving! Before we get into the psychological stuff that you’ll use as an excuse to skip this step (“I can’t start working out until I figure out how I got here”), let’s be clear that you need to just get started. Go to the gym, walk around the block, climb a bunch of stairs … do something TODAY and everyday that will get your heart rate up and get those calories burning. I highly recommend making a playlist, donning some headphones, and doing the dang thing. Forget what others think, ignore the people you think are watching you – get moving and know that every single step you take brings you that much closer to a healthier, happier you!
Figure out how you got here. This is not an accident. You did not wake up obese this morning. This is the result of something. As an existential therapist I believe that your weight is the symptom of a bigger, deeper issue. You have eaten to feel better or you have eaten to hide pain. Contrary to what many people believe, your weight is not disconnected from who you are and what you’re going through. Figure out what that is – you are the only one who knows so stop pretending like you don’t and move to #3…
Deal with that thing that got you here. Do you need to cuss somebody out for the way you were treated as a child? Do you need to quit the job that is sucking the life out of you, break up with the partner who is sucking the life out of you? Do you need to get back in school to finish that degree so you’ll stop feeling like a failure? The secret to this part is that you are in COMPLETE control over that which got you to this point so make a plan to address it and execute that plan.
Stop eating crap! You can do this at any point, too, but you really need to stop ordering your meals by number through a box. There is such joy in cooking a healthy, delicious meal … and yes you do have time so I don’t want to hear it. You’ll save money, calories, fat, cholesterol, and your life. You can also order healthier food when you go out – have fish, get a nice dinner salad with grilled chicken. This is all completely possible, you just have to believe you’re important enough to care about what you eat. Pack your lunch everyday and fill it with healthy snacks. Ignore the vending machines because none of those “healthy options” actually ARE!
Ladies, I just really want us to get a handle on our health. You can start right now – whatever your age, your weight, your activity level, your schedule … I promise you that NONE of that matters on your journey to fitness. NONE of those excuses are really keeping you from dedicating some time and attention and care to your health. You CAN be healthy if you care enough about YOURSELF to invest the time and energy in making it happen.
Because I am so determined to help women find our fitness and (re)claim our health, I’m going to do a new post every Sunday evening that focuses on some aspect of healthy living – food, exercise, doctor visits, etc. This has to be a commitment for YOU so I’ll make helping you a commitment for ME. We’re going to do this by eating well, exercising and sleeping more, and learning how to achieve a work/life balance that benefits US rather than everyone else.
You have it in you, ladies!!! There is nothing so depraved and unworthy about you that you can’t do this. You have everything you need to make yourself into the strong, beautiful and HEALTHY woman you keep wanting everyone to believe you are. You can lie to others all day, but you can’t lie to yourself … aren’t you ready to stop being a ticking time bomb of unhealthy living and start ensuring that you’ll be around to live a full and fabulous life for many years to come? Then PLEASE join me on this journey to get healthy … you will NOT regret it!
The Denial of Racism … to what end?
If you query most people of color about the persistence of racism, you will quite likely receive an affirmative and disheartening response. The daily lives of people who are “othered” in American society typically involves at least a few racial microaggressions and perhaps one overt act of race-based bias. While some people of color seem blissfully unaware of the slights and condescending glances, far more realize that it is an ever-present reality. Most White people would happily agree that the populace is no longer entangled in the bondage of racial hate and bigotry because THEY are not racist and none of their family members or friends are racist either. This denial of racism on their (individual) part may be sincere. In fact, I have 560 “friends” on Facebook and I’m near certain that none of them are racist so I don’t doubt individual sincerity when people decry the racist moniker.
Yet I do recognize that they decry from a place of privilege – a privilege that inoculates them against the virus of racism on the receiving end. They have a privilege that affords them a peak from which to bellow their admonishment of racism and its attendant consequences. They have a privilege that allows them to deny the existence of the same racism that dragged half of my ancestors away from their family and culture and language in West Africa, that enslaved them for more years than we’ve been “free,” that justified rape and torture and inhumanity simply because THEY, as individuals, are not racist.
To what end, however, do some deny racism? I assert that the denial of racism is more dangerous and socially-limiting than actual racism itself! When people deny racism, they minimize the hurt and disadvantage it causes. Their cries against injustice are watered down to “playing the race card” or being “hyper-sensitive.” The validity of their pleas for fairness, equity and recourse are damped down and create fertile ground for the development of other issues in addition to the racism they experienced. Now you have people who are marginalized further as trouble-makers, people who fear sharing their feelings about this and many other painful experiences for fear of being seen as “angry,” people who start to wonder if maybe what they experienced really was “nothing” or an over-reaction on their part. You also create people who recognize the truth of their lived experience and who are now less trusting of those who do not look like them and who do not validate their humanity.
To what end this denial? What is the goal? The denial of a thing does not mean that it is no longer real. We can all admit that at least pre-President Obama there was racism (even though now we live in a Utopian post-racial society), but we can’t really believe that President Obama’s election and re-election immediately ended racism, right? The very fabric of this nation is dyed in the blood of First Nations people and enslaved Africans. It was written into U.S. social and economic policy. Yet it all just … POOF … ended in 2008?!?!
When people deny racism it is either a passive act of cowardice or an active act of ignorance. It is either an attempt to put a verbal salve on a several-hundred year old wound that continues to weep or an attempt to escape culpability (ancestral or otherwise) in the continued dehumanization of entire populations of people. It makes driving your luxury car to your luxury house with your luxury material goods more palpable when you feel like you earned it all by yourself and not at the expense of stolen land or stolen lives.
I propose that in 2013 we start engaging like adults and admit that racism still exists because people continue to let this festering wound weep by picking at it in their homes and neighborhoods … and since 2008, in the middle of the street. Racism exists. Sad, but true. Now, let us forgo the desperate attempts at escapism and start being strategic in our efforts to combat it in the future. No more pseudo-apologetic politicians walking back their bigoted comments or doing the politically-motivated mea culpa for slavery. I have to believe that we’re beyond that space and able to engage in more constructive and less patronizing conversations about the idea that racism is a sordid and damaging social construction born of the non-biological “science” of race.
Because what does it say about an entire country of adults – many of whom are quite learned – who continue to perpetuate the fallacy of racially-based betterness when we know that race does not really exist? With such dogged determination to retain and reproduce ignorance it is not surprising that our country’s children are so academically lagging in the global marketplace. But the same intentional acts that serve to maintain a racist system which disenfranchises millions of people everyday can be undone with the same intentionality.
Until we learn to legislate love, we’ll need to engage the same political process to create policies designed to STOP marginalizing people based on nothing more than the color of their skin. We’ll need the anti-Moynihan report that says Black women who choose not to abandon their children just because the father did are not pathological, sexual deviants, but rather strong mothers who are determined to surround their families with love and direction despite many socioeconomic challenges. We need policies that do not rationalize stopping-and-frisking Black or brown men because they’re dangerous drug lords and implement policies that afford them an opportunity to make a good salary in a stable job after they’ve finished their felony marijuana possession sentence in prison.
When people deny racism it makes pinning down the purposeful, hateful acts difficult which makes solutions nearly impossible. But you cannot sanitize people’s lived experiences because it makes you uncomfortable. Stop the denial and start working toward solutions.
Sandusky’s “mental health” defense … and why it’s wrong!
By this point most people have heard about the Jerry Sandusky/Penn State/child sexual abuse allegations which have now made their way into court. After about a week of testimony, the defense has decided to offer up the age-old “mental health” excuse for his alleged sexual misconduct with over a dozen children charged to his care. The deployment of mental health disorders (read: temporary insanity) as a valid abdication of responsibility for all manner of heinous crimes is a tactic used entirely too often in the theatre of the court room. It’s overuse and misuse – as it is not typically accurate – has helped to foster a belief that “mental health” is a tactic or excuse rather than the very real series of disorders with which millions of people contend on a daily basis.
What Sandusky’s “diagnosis” lacks in originality as a legal deflection it more than makes up for in creativity. He is alleged to have been suffering from Histrionic Personality Disoder at the time that he was allegedly sexually abusing the little boys entrusted to him through his summer program.
I dare say the “diagnosis” ITSELF is an example of temporary insanity!
One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. Now, I could wax poetic for tens of paragraphs about the etiology of Histrionic Personality D/O, the symptomatology associated with the disorder, the multiple differential diagnoses from which he might also be suffering which are similar in their behavioral and cognitive manifestation thereby making it possible that he does not, in fact, suffer from Histrionic Personality D/O … but why would I do that when my colleagues at the National Library of Medicine have compiled this nifty handout:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0002498/
Just in case you want the quick and dirty … Histrionic Personality D/O is characterized by overly-dramatic behaviors which are typically designed for attention-seeking from others. The link above lists the symptoms associated with the disorder as…
Symptoms
People with this disorder are usually able to function at a high level and can be successful socially and at work.
Symptoms include:
- Acting or looking overly seductive
- Being easily influenced by other people
- Being overly concerned with their looks
- Being overly dramatic and emotional
- Being overly sensitive to criticism or disapproval
- Believing that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
- Blaming failure or disappointment on others
- Constantly seeking reassurance or approval
- Having a low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
- Needing to be the center of attention (self-centeredness)
- Quickly changing emotions, which may seem shallow to others
It is important to understand that merely being able to check off the boxes in a list of clinical symptoms does not a therapist make and does not a diagnosis make. I have three degrees and a license to prove that there is a lot more to an official, accurate diagnosis of a mental health issue than a quick web-search and list of symptoms. This is the mental health equivalent of how physicians feel when you bring a list of the symptoms you’ve printed from WebMD that you believe validate your self-diagnosis of malaria. “See? It says fever! I had a fever once!”
I am clear that the goal is not to teach people anything about TRUE mental health issues, but rather to infect the jurors with enough material to create reasonable doubt. Yet, even a lay person who gives only a cursory glance at the list above can deduce that sexually abusing a dozen adolecent boys is in no way correlated with externalizing blame for goal failure or a need to be the center of attention. Sandusky’s crack legal team will no doubt use nuance and nonsense to draw the behavior and the diagnosis together in a way that makes sense, but it is critical that the jurors do not fall victim to the legal gamesmanship for two reasons.
First – because regardless of whether or not Mr. Sandusky suffers from histrionic personality disorder is of no material consequence to the allegations for which he is on trial. That about sums that one up …
Second – and this is more important – because there are millions of people who are enduring the emotional, physical and spiritual pain that comes from battling REAL mental health issues on a daily basis. There is so much undiagnosed illness that my colleagues and I will never see because mental health has been so tragically stigmatized. Even veterans returning from multiple combat deployments & having endured horrific traumas may not receive any care because they fear the stigma of admitting that “something is wrong.”
Mental health is a very real thing and some people’s circumstances require on-going therapy and psychotropic medications. It crosses every social/demographic/political barrier and it can cause significant disruption in people’s personal and professional lives. Yet we continue to throw out “diagnoses” without consideration for the impact that this carelessness can foster. These arbitrary “diagnoses” keep us from having very real conversations about causes and treatments that can improve people’s lives and bring them out of the shadows and whispers of being labeled “crazy.”
The mental health “tactic” also keeps us from recognizing (and effectively treating) what might be the REAL problem someone has … in the case of adults who engage in sexual behavior with children the initial diagnostic thinking should turn to pedophilia. A person’s history must be explored, the circumstances of the specific case (this is not the 18 year old boy who had sex with his 16 year old girlfriend) and a host of other clinical assessments must take place. Care must be given to the possibility of a mental health issue and what that issue may be.
I know the jurors are not likely reading this post, but if you are then I entreat you to be mindful of Monday-morning diagnosing of someone you believe to be “crazy,” to be open to the possibility that someone you care about truly does need professional help for a mental health issue, and to educate yourself about the particulars of mental health issues so that you don’t use inaccurate, desperate, legal Hail Mary’s as a defense against reprehensible, criminal allegations.
Want to know more?
Visit the website of the National Association of Social Workers at http://www.naswdc.org or the the website of the National Library of Medicine at http://www.nlm.nih.gov/about/index.html or the website of the American Psychological Association at http://www.apa.org.
Hello world!
Welcome to the new home of The Human Lens!!
I’ve imported all of the original posts and comments from the previous blog site so that those of you who are new can see my rants thus far. Feel free to comment on anything you read, share interesting viewpoints, and offer a critical discourse on the issues addressed. My only request … be polite. Not only are conversations very difficult to advance in the face of hurtful and harsh statements, it does not reflect well on the one posting the hurtful statements. Anonymous posts are allowed, but please do not use the anonymity to unleash a deluge of mean-spirited, personal attacks. That sort of behavior is what fostered the creation of this blog in the first place. My hope is that this blog will allow for a vibrant exchange of ideas and give way to new insights as we work together to find solutions to challenges people face everyday.
Thanks for visiting … hope you drop by again soon!
The Human Lens 